up; down; all over London town

1. No one carries coffee with them. Here, it seems every single person walking down the street has a handful of take-out coffee cup, but in London I don't think I saw a single person with a coffee on the go. Or a water bottle.

2. Most of the metrosexual business guys don't carry anything other than a newspaper when they head to work in the morning. Perfect blue suits, fancy sneakers that look like dress shoes with elongated toes, and crazy ties (think: fuscia with loud, swirly blobs of navy blue with accents of chartreuse), a little newspaper that they will snap open efficiently -- but no briefcases, carrier bags, or even a manly purse.

3. Walking down the street is like attending a freaking fashion show. A fashion show at which I am the sole frumpy attendant, looking sweaty and awkward, flabby and flustered and wondering why I care so friggin much.

4. There are no exits. Only Ways Out.

5. The girl behind the bar at the Rat and Parrot had never heard of an amaretto sour. So flabby, unattractive me had to stand there and explain to her what it was, and how to make it, and I think she was disgusted.

6. Most tourists seem not to take photos of things, but rather photos of themselves standing in front of things. But they do not smile; they stand there with their hands pressed firmly at their sides and facing the camera square on, not smiling one tiny little bit. I wonder if they think they look stoic and serious, or if they do not like their smiles, or if they just don't want anyone to know they are having fun.

7. You probably won't see the queen peeking out through the curtains at Buckingham palace. Even if you look really, really hard for her.

8. When you ride on a British escalator you have to stand on the right, because the left side is for all of the people who like to run down the things, and if you stand on the left people will shove you aside rudely and have no problem letting you know that you were very much in their way. Trust me. They even have signs on the escalators about standing on the right side, but not about the pushy people flying down the left side, so next time you are in England pay attention to the signs even if you don't understand them.


A.